dolus specialis*

I do not have  a binary view or sex.


If you have friends who are ‘poly’  I encourage you to sit down and have a talk with them about the hoops they have to jump through to sleep with someone who is not a part of their primary ‘giggity’ pool.  I had a good friend who was poly and I watched him have a talk with a girl about the ‘rules’  because she wanted to sleep with him…  I myself have had to slog though business contracts that are not half as complicated.  I got bored after a while.. I wandered away… I wonder if they actually ever got to  the sex part.

The last relationship I was in was not chok-a-block with good sex.   I blame a small group of people.  First there is the line of guys she slept with before me;  I have no idea where they learned their skillz, but  for the most part  they thought good sex involved one act repeated as hard and fast as they could go.  As such it lead to her thinking that good sex was a one trick pony.  Second to blame was her;  I mean c’mon , she never did anything  to expand her own skillz.  And then we come to blaming me;  in my own defence I tried to expand her knowledge but she was not a fan of trying new things.  Essentially it was like trying to teach opera to a singer who needed  autotune.  After the first few months I actually gave up hoping she would get any better.  My ex wife ( god bless her skillz)   said that people f ck the way they dance.   Never date a girl who does the same move over and over on the dance floor.  Ever. Or a guy for that matter…

Right after my break-up,  actually the day of… I was accosted by an acquaintance  who was with, no exaggeration, a whole lot of fun in bed.  I mean really,  and she reminded me of every thing I love about the carnal acts.  She also made me feel young, and kind of studly.  The handful of  times we were together were … well they were exactly what I needed.  But y’know there are people who you just can’t date, she was one of them and I realised that if I kept sleeping with her, well it would end badly.  We had a nice talk about it and she laughed, she also encouraged me to visit every once in a while.  The sex was good but the emotion was limited to the kind of feeling you get on a rollercoaster. Part of it had to do with the fact that we were not friends,  aside from both being amused at the things I could do with my hands,  we had very little in common.

Recently I had a friend, someone who I like and respect,  come over for a nice night.  She had called me up on the phone to talk about something. And I asked her  ( out of the blue ) if she wanted to come over, take her clothes off , get a full body massage and then as many orgasms as I could manage.

(total transparency:  I have done this before with a few of my friends, if the chance presented itself.   I would get a ‘gut’ feeling ,  propose the action and face the consequences,  I’ve only been turned down twice.. And even then it wasn’t weird after…)

She said what people say when that sort of question comes up “ Are you Serious?”  after I assured her I was she asked “ And what do I have to do to you?”   … a good question.  I told her she could do whatever she felt like doing ( within boundaries) but that there were no expectations.  There was a long pause on the phone and then she said, “Can you pick me up in about two hours, I want to shave…”  I assured her I would be there.

The ride out to my place was deadly quiet. She didn’t say anything.  She had dressed in sweat pants and a hoodie,  her hair was pulled into a ponytail.  I was a little freaked out by the quiet but I respected the silence.
When we got back to my place she walked in and looked at the table I had in the kitchen, I had laid a large blanket on it and a pillow.  She started at it for a bit.  I finally said. “If you want, instead I can make a pot of tea and we can hang out?”  she nodded.

I pushed the table back against the wall and made tea.. We talked about everything but the large elephant in the room .  I was a little disappointed, but I figured that she just couldn’t wrap her mind around it.  Her eyes kept glancing at the table in the kitchen.

 I suggested that she pick out a movie, and as she was staring at the dvd’s I have she said. “ Do you want to take off my clothes?”
“If you want me to…”  I said, “ but we don’t have to…”

She took a few steps towards me.. And for the first time she looked right into my eyes “Yes, I think we do.”
So I took her clothes off,  noting that she hadn’t put on a bra or briefs.   I also noted that as I was taking her clothes off her hands were almost always in contact with me.  On my shoulders or on my head.    After she was naked I took her by the hand and led her to the table.

A note about massage,  when I was in university I worked as an in home masseuse for a business that offered the kind of treatment you find in the ‘interesting’  portion of the classifieds.   I was pretty good at it,  had a lot of repeat customers. I knew how to make  a massage last almost two hours and aside from just slathering oil I knew how to work all the muscle groups.  I also knew how to give a massage that would inevitably lead to thoughts of sex.  It’s not that hard, once you forget about the obvious areas and know where the unobvious areas are.  And everyone has the secret erogenous zones.  You can tell you are near one by the way they breathe in, you can tell you are in one by they way they stop breathing.

Right towards the end  of the massage she asked if I was still serious about ‘as many orgasms as I could manage’ I leaned over and gently kissed her on one of her not so obvious erogenous zones.  When I lifted my mouth I exhaled a long warm breath.

In time we ended in my room, and after more time  when she had stopped twitching and could form sentences  we talked.   As we were talking her hands wandered, and she made a comment about my clothes still being on.  After a bit more time, but not too much, after I could form a sentence,  we kept talking. .. Eventually we got up had more tea and talked until the sun came up. Then I took her home. We did stop for breakfast… cause sometimes you really need bacon and orange juice.

We haven’t talked since then, aside from a few e-mails back and forth.  I think we are closer friends.  As always I don’t actually feel like anything has changed between us aside from being a little closer and a little less formal about the things we can share.

I write all this because it’s good to remind myself that sex is not about love, it is however about trust and respect.  Getting naked and sweaty doesn’t convey a sense of ownership,  nor should it have to. But it can be a way for people to try something new.  I wouldn’t offer a nice night to just anyone.  There has to be a solid basis of friendship, but there is something fun about taking  your time and doing something without hope of getting anything in return.   Also Love has nothing to do with sex…

But the difference between f cking someone you barely know  and having fun with someone you like and trust is a huge chasm. Plus, while boring sex can be a chore, when it’s not boring.. Ohmigod!!!!!!

There it is, for what it is worth.

*special intent