ex scientia vera*

(Ivan cuts a great song down to three lines )

You're a million miles away

And I'm the one that made you strong girl

But I could not make you stay

Go check out the song, by Everlast, called Stay.

It’s almost been a year, and if you thought eight months was too long… I can imagine what you thought about eleven months and change. Sorry dear readers.

I write about personal stuff because I get frustrated and when it’s too personal to go on facebook it goes on here. Mostly. Sometimes it doesn’t get past the being written stage. The past year has been … something. I could recap but that’s not why I am sitting here typing. Well it kind of is, isn’t it?

Last week I got dumped. After almost a year of living together.

I’m gonna start by saying what we all know. Life changes and people break up… it’s how it goes. In time I’ll be over it, completely. I’m dealing with it right now. The moving of furniture because some of the stuff is gone… the cleaning up after the aftermath, the getting used to being alone…

And I’d like to say there are good things, I am not lonely, I guess I can be thankful for that. I learned how to be alone without being lonely. Of all the things I am grateful for having learned that lesson.

But I got words rolling around my head, they are not all kind. And I need to get them out. To put them somewhere and let others see them, like screaming into a storm. Without the screaming… or the storm.

(audio side note Summer~ Vivaldi… including Storm.. perfect.)

I would write it all down on clay pigeons and then shotgun them into the dust we came from and end as.

For literary skeet shooting I use a Mossberg Persuader

1) I’m not sure where it started… the cracks in our relationship. But I do know that a few (4ish ) months ago she just decided to move out. No reason was given, then after talking …she decided to stay. It coincided with her younger sister wanting to get a place.

( Pull! { Insert boomstick sound and the puff of a clay bird disintegrating })

2) Her way of informing me at that time was to ambush me with it. She had planned her escape route, told other people and then called me from work. This is commonly used by women trying to escape an abusive boyfriend/ husband. I felt like a knife had been slipped between my floating ribs and twisted.

( Pull! { Insert boomstick sound and the puff of a clay bird disintegrating })

3) I was never given a reason for the above actions, Never! She never understood why I was so upset that she did all this without talking to me… I may not always communicate my feelings but… still I have always been willing to listen.

( Pull! { Insert boomstick sound and the puff of a clay bird disintegrating })

4) The above thing occurred after she volunteered for a stretch of work that lasted almost three weeks straight. This was also done without a discussion… She was exhausted. Worn out. And didn’t understand why I was concerned about it. Work was more important.

( Pull! { Insert boomstick sound and the puff of a clay bird disintegrating })

5) She never showed any remorse for the way she approached this issue, there was never any apology.

( Pull! { Insert boomstick sound and the puff of a clay bird disintegrating })

6) When I tried to tell her that one of repercussions of her actions was that there would be trust issues that needed to be worked through she said she understood but never showed any urge to work on them…

( Pull! { Insert boomstick sound and the puff of a clay bird disintegrating })

Crap ! I need to reload.

Okay, there is more to it than what is up there… As the time progressed, I became distant.. I was frustrated that she was willing to kill herself for a job that just accepted she do it. I was frustrated that her sister exhibited a habitual tendency to use everyone around her ( including her granny ) and my partner never thought it was a bad thing. I was frustrated that I was expected to just follow the decisions she made without being included in the process of making them. I was feeling used… I didn’t appreciate it. So I withdrew. I was made to feel like I was being unreasonable when I explained these things. I still feel guilty about it.

Alright! Lets move on. I’m gonna let the metaphor rest for a bit. I have a metaphorically sore shoulder.

A couple of Months ago we had another problem. And I’m gonna take my share of responsibility here. It had to do with money… Yup… the most common thing couples fight about. Well it’s wasn’t just about money… these things never are.

The money aspect had much to do with me losing my job. My fault, opened my mouth when I should have kept it shut.

Anyway, the problem came with her doing the online shopping thing. Not actually shopping but looking. The problem there, she would get all depressed because we didn’t have the money to buy the things she wanted. She once considered being a stripper to get a bunch of money quickly because an ex was talking about getting rich quickly and it bothered her that she wasn’t getting rich quickly. I’ll talk about that ( from a different angle ) later. She constantly compared her life with the people around her, if it wasn’t as ‘good’ she got upset. I never understood that.

But it started with her bending over backwards to make her sister’s birthday good. Including having me make a special trip to get a cake for the sister… ( and she worked in a restaurant ). I voiced my objection ( in retrospect a HUGE MISTAKE ) because when it was her birthday, the sister did nothing. I arranged the party, the decorations, everything. I questioned the fairness of this, brought up the issue about her sister using everyone around her ( including her granny.. Her granny for Christsakes!!!!!) It dissolved in to a bitch fest on both of our parts. Covering everything from her obsession with shopping to my lack of interest in sex ( yuh.. I’m not proud of it but it’s true.. More information on that later ). We decided to work on our relationship skills for six months. We promised to try. For the record I take my promises very seriously.

Last week:

I snapped. A month of her becoming slowly more distant, spending more time going out, longer and more shifts at work. The previous week was filled with her complaining about everyone at work every day . I tried to cheer her up, took her shopping for a Halloween costume, encouraged her to pose in it. Every night I suggested going to bed early. I made meals that she liked, I tried to talk with her. But she was tired. Then Monday night I asked her to come to bed with me, instead she went on facebook, talked with a guy she used to do drugs with, shopped online for a ticket to go a friends wedding ( in may ). And I snapped. I snarked something and went to bed.

Tuesday morning the argument continued, I was being unfair, I was being cruel.

Oh look ..my arm feels better…

I felt like she needed support, so I bent over backwards to support her and she didn’t even see the effort.

( PULL!! {BANG} gentle shower of dead clay pigeon )

She TOLD me she was going to fly to New Brunswick for the wedding, there was no discussion.

( PULL!! {BANG} gentle shower of dead clay pigeon )

I was the prick because of the things I said about her Sister … yuh that was still an issue… even though I never said anything that wasn’t true

( PULL!! {BANG} gentle shower of dead clay pigeon )

The Guy in New Brunswick was her Best friend ( they hadn’t spoken for years .. Hadn’t seen each other for longer .)

( PULL!! {BANG} gentle shower of dead clay pigeon )

I had no right to say anything about the drug using friend ( a dealer who liked to get girls high for sex )

( PULL!! {BANG} gentle shower of dead clay pigeon )

She was tired of fighting, her last Ex and her never fought.

( PULL!! {BANG} gentle shower of dead clay pigeon )

Metaphorically I will reload.

That night she went to stay at a friends house. The same house her sister stayed at. I knew that I would be tried and convicted. Get two girls in one room and they will gang up on any guy. If one of them is single then they will talk about how great it would be if the other one was single , they could party together. How much fun would they have!!! Plus we add into the mix the fact that the sister wanted to move into a place and would need someone to help pay for everything.

It didn’t matter that She told me that we would talk about this further , I knew that I didn’t stand a chance. The facts stated that in the grand scheme of things I didn’t rank very high on her list of priorities. She has always been more concerned with how others viewed her, always been willing to go the extra mile in hopes they would respect her more. She knew I loved her, that it was unconditional, she didn’t have to work for it, so I fell by the wayside.

She phoned me on Thursday to tell me she wasn’t coming back, I wasn’t surprised, I wasn’t even angry. I offered to let her come and pack… she moved stuff out last Monday morning. As she left she said the same thing she said to her last boyfriend … it was tantamount to “ I hope you have good things happen for you”.

Friday night she was out dancing and managed to tell my friends that we were no more.

Her parting words cut me pretty deep… Not the words themselves.. They are kind enough. But I know how she felt about her ex. Every time something good would happen for him she would get upset. When he started to date again she got mad ( by that time she was with me ). When he and his girlfriend became Pregnant she was catatonic ( there is a good reason for that but still… ). When she thought he was gonna get rich quick she frantically searched for a way to out-do him… any thing good that he experienced made her more angry. And I was there to help her though it. Eventually I told her how much it bugged me that he was still in her life. And to her credit she did finally stop talking to him ( I think.. I was told she hadn’t .. it’s non of my business anymore I guess ).

But you can see where her words would cause me harm.

( another audio side bar - running up that hill as covered by Placebo… thumpy goodness )

‘Bout the sex. It’s true there wasn’t a lot of it going on. I take 70% of the blame. Here is my side of it. Intercourse can lead to Life. I wasn’t prepared to have that happen until I was sure that the person I was having full intercourse with was someone I would be able to raise a person with. Of course intercourse is only a part of sex….

But she didn’t like anything but Intercourse ( unless it directly involved her hitting orgasm ). So our options were limited. I was making an effort to show her that I found her desireable. I tried. But it’s no fun to have someone do something to you because they felt obligated ( different story when they enjoy it, want to do it , and make it fun !) so it was completely one sided… and I didn’t do anything to help her find ways to expand her repertoire. I suggested she go online and find stuff then we could talk about it, she never brought it up.

She’s a pretty girl, and very loving, but in truth she wasn’t very sexual. All her last boyfriends were good at was plowing her.. And she learned that that was good sex. Who do you blame for that? When she asked me what my fantasies were , I told her my most outrageous fantasies ( not very realistic but a fantasy isn’t supposed to be is it? ) and that was a mistake ( cause the truth will make some people fret). She didn’t know how to seduce ( if we go back to her wanting to be a stripper .. You can see where that’s not really a good profession with someone with her skill set. )

But the sex thing… that was not a great scene. She complained that her sexual drive was higher than mine. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I actually have a very high sex drive, but only if it’s fun for everyone. I should have been more honest I suppose.

As I look up at the above 2 thousand words I realise I am not painting a nice picture of her. And if you leave it there I am better off without her. But there is another side. And they sum up in fewer words.

In all my life I have never been with anyone who I loved as much as I love her. Love is not something you can turn off... The urgency of it may fade but it never goes away. And I will always love her.

She understood me like no one else has, and we had a lot in common, we could play board games and talk, we could watch t.v. together and enjoy it, we could spend hours talking about anything. I valued her opinions as much as any of my friends, and felt mostly safe with her around. We had fights, all couples do , and we talked through them… I could open up to her about almost anything and she would understand me without judging. I learned from her everyday, things I valued. I love the way she looks and smells and felt under my hands. All of that is true. And she was my closest friend, compared to anyone. The most amusing thing was that I had found a ring, and I was gonna ask her to marry me, I talked to one friend about it, cause he was to be a best man, and spoke to another because I wanted her to stand in my wedding party.

I guess this is why I am frustrated.

I accept that relationships end, But it should be an honest ending, not something like this, not a snap decision based on an argument while others do their best to free her up so they can use her.

The unfairness, the broken promises, and knowing that she will regret her decision. When the people who she turned her back on me for turn their back on her , when she realises that she walked ( ran ) away from someone who cared for her unconditionally, she will be destroyed. I don’t wish that pain on anyone. Least of all someone who gave me so much joy.

In the end the hard part is, that there is no one for me to talk about this with. She is too stubborn and too scared to talk to me, maybe she’s afraid I would ask her back, or take her back. That’s something even I don’t know the answer to.

This has been good for me to get off my chest, and any of you who have read all the way to the bottom … I say “ You need to get a life” I know it hasn’t been as lyrical or as fun as other things I have written. But sometimes you need to just write the words down… get them outta your head.

-ivan, October 15, 2010.

*from knowledge, truth