Omnes una manet nox *

its made up of lonely moments
there was always a moment there when i knew
you always gave installments
always knew u concentrated and grew

and i believe in reinvention
do you believe that life is holding the clue
take away all the lonely moments
give me full communication with you

your smile shine a little light, alright
dont hide, shine a little light
give up on your pride
do you believe in reinvention

do you believe that life is holding the clue
any way to face the silence
any way to face the pain that kills you…

Pride
by Syntax

So what do you believe? I mean really believe, I’m not talking about what you think you should say. I mean , we are friends eh? Lets talk with candor . What do you believe about this whole thing?

I forgot how long and cold the winters are here. It’s not like the winters out east or even in Ottawa. There is a type of prairie wind, it can cut through the warmest clothes like a razor through the skin behind your knee. The nights go on forever, and there have been days when I just didn’t get into the sun. A good day of driving is when you can see the whole road. And when the snow and wind decide to play, stay in , lock the doors and wait for the howling to stop. Did I mention that it’s cold. Your breath freezes your beard on the walk from the house to the garage. After the first real snow of the season you forget that there is natural color other than white and the degrading shades of gray. Oh and it’s cold .. Did I mention the cold.

Why the anti winter rant? Well actually I like winter its restful and quiet, and when the sun comes up it can be so beautiful. Friends spend a lot of time bundled in science’s finest fabrications to play like three year olds.

But it’s cold, at night, my bed is cold.

And yes the valentines day beast is growling at my door. I’m a little lonely , gentle reader, not so much alone. I have friends, and some are worth their weight in gold. I have my family with their ever present hot suppers and bags of socks and mittens and advice. I am not alone. I am lonely, I miss the way you can talk to your partner. The emotional shorthand, where a sigh is enough to get a drink in your hand and a warm person sitting beside you waiting for you to talk. I miss the way that they look at you when you are definitely doing the right thing but it’s going wrong fast. And there are times I miss the hands and lips and that one sound where you know it’s definitely the right thing.

Days go by and I wont care, toodling around my world, shopping and writing, bouncing and talking. I like the friends I have here, as much as I miss the friends I have scattered around. Nights go by and I’ll look at the clock and say “late” and make my way to bed and sleep a good long sleep.

Then.

I’ll turn and say “ !” because no one is there. And I know no one is there, but some things are best when shared. I’ll eat a whole bag of popcorn but usually I am happy with half. I’ll mix a rum and whatever and leave about half of it sitting next to my chair. Some how a chocolate bar became one bite too many for me. And good lines from books, and that thought about that guy who said that thing.

And I try, I think. But I also think I have no idea how to do that. Seduction is not what I do, nor can I woo, I can not flirt, or be suggestive, or use subtlety. If it could be gained through debate or intimidation or a good solid axe handle up the side of the head, I might have a chance.

But this makes me feel weak, there is a smile out there that makes me soft in the head. And a shape that I think about silhouetted in my doorway, there is a giggle and a laugh that makes me grin and chuckle and feel like a child with a new toy. I know the voice, and the eye color, I know the rhythm of their speech and I think I even know when they lie. It’s all abstract, it’s all unreal.

So , what do you believe? I’ll ask you.

Is there anything greater in life than a good friendship? Can anything be gained by chasing a ghost? Do you think life is about being the best person for yourself? Or is it about trying to be a good person so they are proud?

I did a fire show a bit back, for lots of little reasons and one huge one. Two sets. The first was good, the second was amazing. I nailed the stunts and blew out all the doors and windows. I was spent and worn and tired and sore. My throat is still raw and I can speak in nothing better than a croak, its actually kind of sexy.

So here I sit writing about it, I wish there was someone there who I could have shared it with. Someone who would understand why at the end when I went down the stairs I was shaking and my eyes were wet. Someone who would tell me I did a good job and it would matter.

Life alone is pretty good sometimes. I am happy and satiated most all the time. But tonight before I go to bed I need to finish this drink. I seem to have poured too much into the glass and I may only finish half.




* The same night awaits us all